The Dirty Toilet!
Old ass lyrics for songs we don't play any more!
(Less coming soon!)
From A To Pleaze
Well, I've read Ms. Manners and I'll readily admit it, I had a bad habit so I just had to quit it. Now we take turns, Skufka, Belan, then Kern, etiquitte is the lesson we've learned. So take a tip from Crappy Dracula: when someone says 'thank you,' here is your reply: You are very welcome, yes you're very welcome. We only take that which we have earned. Garbage cans are pulled right to the curb, video's rewound before they're returned, skipping in line is something we spurn. You are very welcome, yes, you're very welcome.
Secrets of the Powerful Textbook Lobby
I work in textbook factory, I sneak in lies like some of these: The C.I.A. invented shame, and baby duck shit causes rain. There's no such thing as math, and science is a myth, music is made out of shit, Otto Van Music invented it. The students learn all my bullshit, like there's a secret alphabet, and Bobby Orr was president, elected by the internet. There's no such thing as math. And science is a myth. Music is made out of shit, Otto Van Music invented it.
All People Are Bad
All people are bad in one way or another, all people are bad, yes even your grandmother. You've got lunatics and hypocrites, poison dripping from their pretty, pretty lips. Cuz all people are bad bad bad bad bad bad! What a pathetic excuse for a species! Dirty and rotten and greedy and mean, worthless degenerate drunkards like me. Boring and evil and cheap and so dull, serious, banal sticks in the mud. All people are bad. All people are bad, it's just a fact of life. All people are bad, especially my third wife! From anarchists to fundamentalists, seven billion people on this list. Cuz all people are bad bad bad bad bad bad. What a pathetic excuse for a species. Stupid and crazy annoying dummies, wretched, lowlife cretins like me! Dirty and ugly and greedy and mean, worthless degenerate drunkards like me. All people are bad!
Hospital Waste Management Facility Party Tonight
I was at the hospital landfill the other day; or was it night? I always get those two mixed up. Saw Dug J. Belan playin' in some hay and tumors. I called my no other friends to turn this mother out. Mark Belling will be there you know you wanna be there. The Senator will be there you know you wanna be there, you know you gotta be there. Big Placard's gonna be there you know you wanna be there. Beck is gonna be there, you know you wanna be there, you know you gotta be there. We found some bed pans and old needles. And Aaron made friends with the guard. It was like a rave without the glo-sticks. We invited Biohazard to play 'cuz it seemed appropriate. I am gonna be there, you know you wanna be there. Fuzzy's gonna be there you know you wanna be there, you know you gotta be there. Ted Kennedy is gonna be there you know you wanna be there. Gallagher will be there you know you wanna be there, you know you gotta be there! Hospital waste management facility- Party TONIGHT!
Lagoon Creature.
Forgotten Foe escapes us now. It's all over for this here town. Lagoon Creature is no more. This next line rhymes: even the score. Ooooh, Ahhhh!
Princess.
Hey there princess your chariot is on fire, and hey there princess you've got stupid hair. Did you win that dress at the rodeo? Go to the lake in swim in all the poop. Are you the princess of Idiotland? I hope that tiara falls off of your head. Pretty princess fingers and stupid princess toes, I hope you get punched in your princess nose. This song is in the key of shut up, so shut up, princess. You'r jerky ideas, they're not worth hearing. Get your matriarchy out of here! I will never bow down to you.
What's Going To Happen To Us? (Iced Cream Cone)
Cyclops and me just all hanging out, wondering what my death's all about. He stared at me with his one big blue eye, and told me exactly how I'm going to die. Staring at the girls when I'm attacked by the squirrels. Only squirrel attack in the world. Nobody comes to my funeral. Cyclops and Dug just all hanging out, then I found out what it's all about. I'm going to die in some stupid way; but not murder or the Enola Gay. Hit by a boat, life really was a joke. Burly sea-ferring captain, no longer jammin' on Pac-Man.
America.
America (x4) The Constitution. Pornography. Miller Light. Please buy this song for your next big truck commercial.
A Man Of Effort
I am a man of effort. And I am a man of a fart. I'm all kind of fucked up today. And I'm all kinds of fucked up, hooray! I'm depressed time two and a half. And your depression just makes me laugh. My sadness, I wear it like a heavy cloak. You can cure that all by snorting coke. I'm gonna commit suicide in public. And I'm gonna shave my pubic hair.
Naked High School.
Hey, I’m just out at the bus stop, hey! It’s Dug! Hey, how come you don’t have any clothes on? Duh, I’m on my way to school. What kind of crazy school is that? Actually, I go to the
Bad Haircut (The Anthem)
One, Two, Seven, Two! You can’t have it your way, I’ll drink your beer. I hate
Is This A Song? (Geenus Peenus)
Did you ever think that starving artists had it coming all along? Small but brilliant, I like to feel it. With my fingers, I call it my dinger. Yes, my penis is smarter that me cuz he teaches philosophy. Yes this song is really dumb, I should have written it with my dong. Oh Hell he’s got a class to teach, I guess to each his each. (Whistle solo) Is this a song? I don’t know. These people don’t seem to like it. My dad said it was good.
Jerk (Of My Dreams)
I hear you talkin' and you won't shut up I see you walkin', want to fuck you up CH: You're the jerk, you're just the jerk of my dreams (2x) There seems no way to stop your stupid face From puking poop all over this dumb place CH: repeat Your ego makes me think these awful things Like I should mail you 30 baby's teeth CH: repeat
WHATTA DUMP!
This place sure looks dumb / Let's smash it up some Those windows sure are great / If by great you mean we should smash 'em And that toaster is all wrong / But that's another song That wall's just standing there / It could use some fire CH: Building manager (3x), I'm going to kill you And why do you need a stove? / And heat's just overrated You bust your ass to pay rent / While I just masturbated You're tied to this dump / WIth a phony contract So enjoy the stink, and enjoy the mice I just masturbated CH: repeat
Pledge Drive
I'm Carl Castle. And I'm Ira Glass. I'm Jane Hamped. And I'm Robert Seagul. Desperate pleading from the radio, we're going broke, don't you know? Volunteers are standing by, if you don't give, you're going to die. We've got ways of making you pay, Bruno and Rocko, take it away! I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are a dirty low-life stinking jerk if you don't give to our... PLEDGE DRIVE! You can get our tote bag. PLEDGE DRIVE! Capital Steps c.d. PLEDGE DRIVE! Car Talk coffee mug! PLEDGE DRIVE! We're going to kill you. All of us here at N.P.R., we know exactly who you are. We know when you are listening, and we know just who is not giving. Get out you wallet right now you dirty thief, and make a generous donation to our... Pledge Drive...